Monday, December 05, 2005

I Have Issues

Around campus, there are these Under Four posters that attempt to get students to cut back on their drinking by quoting various statistics about student drinking habits. For example, there's one that says something like 75% of Cal Poly students haven't caused property damage while drinking. I took pride in being a minority student for all the posters with the exception of one: I had never taken a test drunk.

Now I have.

Allow me to regail you with the story. Writing about things that bother me has always made me feel better, so this is a rather personal post. You have been warned.

The story begins last night around 6. Forrest and Catherine want to go to AJ Spurs, and they invite Jerry and I as well. Rather, Catherine invites Jerry and I. We'd already eaten, but I enjoy the company; and I can just sit down and drink a soda or something. It's pretty clear from the get-go that Forrest doesn't want us to go. But we have the invite, so we go out the door and walk to the car. Catherine decides that she needs to get something out of the apartment, so we all walk back. We're out the door when Forrest decides to hole himself in the apartment. Catherine goes in, and, about 5 minutes later, she announces that they're just going to go. I ask why the sudden change, and Forrest says that it isn't right that we're going and not eating. This is a bullshit reason, and I call him on it. I tell him that it's a poor reason to uninvite us and that he should come up with a better one. We stand outside the apartment for a few minutes in a stalemate, Catherine goes to the car, and he follows shortly after.

At this point, I'm furious. I severely dislike being uninvited someplace. But that's not the only reason I was pissed off. First, he wouldn't even tell me to my face that he didn't want me to go. Catherine did it. Second, it was a bullshit answer to my valid question. It's as right as I fucking make it. If I buy something at a restaurant, I've earned the right to sit there. End of story. It's not really up to anyone but me to decide if that's right. He could have said something like I want to have a dinner alone with Catherine, which would have been a perfectly valid reason. Of course I'd still be furious because of the uninvite, but it's a valid answer and probably a truthful one.

The most painful thing, though, was the situation taken as a whole. I like to think of myself as a full member of our group of friends. Because I am. The whole situation made me feel like an outsider and a third wheel. That Forrest holed himself in the apartment and pouted because Jerry and I were going really hurt. I don't care what you're doing; you don't pout about your friends going somewhere with you when you've fucking invited them to go with you. Personally, I enjoy spending time with my friends; I don't think I've ever viewed it as a chore because I don't associate with people who would make me feel that way. I just don't see how it could ever be viewed as a burden.

So I drank. Heavily. I took no pleasure in it; it wasn't one of those things I did because I enjoyed it. I drank to cope. So I started doing shots of rum, shots of kahlua, and had a rum and coke. Although I don't remember it, I chugged amaretto and peach schnapps. I bitched about the situation to Dan and Jerry. They patiently listened to my drunken ramblings. I passed out.

I woke up at about 5 in the morning, wondering how I got in my bed. I tried to get back to sleep and woke up at about 6 to get ready for my final at 7. I was still drunk. I was still pretty drunk when I took the final, but I think I did fairly well. Kris and Shawn got a good laugh at my predicament. After the final, I was walking with Kris and Sysadmin Tom and said something like I thought I was sober until I stood up [to turn in the final]. So now Sysadmin Tom is going to tell the professor that one of his students was drunk during the final. I'm tempted to tell him myself, though I don't know what purpose that would serve.

The problem with drinking to cope is that it doesn't work. I woke up, and the situation was still painful. It hadn't magically resolved itself while I was drunk, though I don't think I expected it to. I think I drank because there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't approach them because they already left, and bitching to Jerry wasn't helping me feel better. But still, I want to know why the first thing I thought of was drinking. I suppose I'm not doing as well as I thought controlling it. On the plus side, I'm glad I passed out. I imagine that had I not, I would have said hurtful things when Catherine and Forrest returned. Well, whatever. Hopefully I'll feel better by writing this; maybe it'll bring some closure.


Blogger Luke said...

At least you realized it doesnt help. Its probably very true (cant say I would know firsthand for sure).

12/06/2005 11:38 AM  
Blogger Aaron *@ said...

Yeah, I'm quickly learning that there's not really anything that drinking actually helps.

12/06/2005 9:33 PM  

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